Saturday, January 15, 2011


Well to start with what does 'Khatik' or 'Khateek' mean-Khatiks are a Hindu minority group found mostly in India and pakistan.In India they are categorized under the scheduled caste banner.They indulge in professions most Hindus abhor ranging from butchery to being sweepers.
Here is the disclaimer-this blog is not about those people but about an entirely different interpretation of the word referring to the young crowd of people in Uttar Pradesh who indulge in khatikgiri which would also be  explained by me subsequently.
So let us define a khatik-well I was born and brought up in UP,did have the privilege of going to a Catholic school where English or Englis as they call it in UP was hard wired to my nerve cells much to the effectiveness that at this juncture of time I can take pot shots at the language in a blog unless the state charges me for sedition or it is considered blasphemous by minority groups comprising of 55% of population:)
Now coming back to the original issue about khatiks,there are boys who come from either rural backgrounds or from families which are tad conservative about educating their children in English medium schools.These guys either drop off from school or study in KVs(Kendriya Vidyalayas) where education is last in the priority list.Sometimes they even study in boys schools where girls are a completely unheard species.These children with/out an education grow up every day fighting their own demons and living with their own insecurities transforming into a 'Khatik'.
Khatiks are people who wish to emulate a Bollywood hero-no wonder why the 'Friend' cap by Salman Khan in Maine Pyaar Kiya or the steel plated cap worn by Anil Kapoor in ladla became the hottest selling accessory back then-Mr Jobs would have had a hard time popularizing iPOD had he wished to launch it in UP at that time:) I could find khatiks flaunting these accessories all across Lucknow city from time to time.Khatiks idolize an actor on screen and wish to lead his life in realtime-that is precisely why every khatik was seen asking for chumma(kiss) from every juma(girl) after the song 'jumma chumma de de'  hit the silver screens.
Another prominent feature of khatiks is their keen fashion sense-Let me vouch for the fact that Rohit Bal and Wendell Rodricks would start rubbing their noses hard on the floor of Imambara(a historical monument in Lucknow) if they ever come across the khatikai fashion.The T-Shirt would be an extremely gaudy color like a screaming orange or a shouting yellow usually with a an embroidered caricature of either a heart or a kidney or whatever.I once saw a khatik wearing a Tee with Che Guavera inscription and must say  I was impressed that there is indeed an intellectual protagonist in this vast sea of ignominy,but then much to my dismay I found that Che Guavera was actually the snap of the same guy with a large beard and a cap printed on his tee-heights of enovation(where you would have to take a dozen eno sachets to digest this fact).The jeans that khatiks wear cannot be found anywhere in India except UP.These are jeans with a monster namely a dragon or a serpant either on the anterior part or the posterior part of the jeans.It would have straps falling out of jeans either through the zipper or through anywhere across the jeans.I remember seeing a khatik with a heart shaped symbol right on top of his zipper where the zipper was actually the demarcating line indicating a broken heart:)
More than fashion what is more amusing is the fact that the khatiks like to stay in vogue always by doing things even the models in the Paris/Milan modelling circuit would fear doing-this khatik I once observed wanted his undies strap to show up right above his jeans as it was a raging fashion back when Sallu bhai made it popular in the movie Pyaar Kiya to Darna Kya,so this khatik tried real hard to pull it above his jeans and then much to his angst and our amusement the strap detached completely from his undies and he had to literally wriggle it out of his body like a belt or something.Khatiks often land themselves up in embarrasing situations not because they are trouble creators but because of their superlative imaginations.A certain Anurag Kashyap or James Cameron would fail when it comes to a khatik's imagination.This khatik I observed in Allahabad inside a garment store was beaten up by the shop keeper when he tried to deliver punches to a male mannequin in a punching position assuming it to be a potential villain who might have created disruptions.I am surprised why this act of bravery went unnoticed largely by our media.You never know the mannequin might have been a robotic entity with a TI(Texas Instrument) chip indulging in espionage for NSA,CIA,KGB etc etc :)
Another prominent feature of a khatik is the language he uses.His language is his weapon.He can slay people through his language.Nitin Nohria might soon have to introduce an elective in the Harvard curriculum about khatikgiri:) I am going to cite a few examples of a khatiks language-so if you are in Lucknow and meet a khatik in the morning-he would say-'raat kaisi beeti tumhari launde?'(how was your night dude?),to your display of histrionics a khatik would say-'sasura bahit hi naatak karat rai?'(dude you fool around a lot),if you are angry at the khatik he would say-'iee jo gussa hain na kauno aur ko dikhana kisi aur gali maa'(why don't you show this anger to someone else in some other colony?),if you are hitting on a girl a khatik is interested in he would say-'iee jo laundiya hain na tumhari maa hain aaj se,kahe ki hum tumhare baap hain(Pal this girl you are hitting on is your mother from today as I happen to be your dad).Likewise there are infinitely used language stints coming out of a khatik's mouth as he faces indifferent situations.Hell hath no fury like a Khatik scorched.Never piss a khatik because if you do, you would be subjected to the most atrocious verbal abuses human being has ever come close to discovering.I would try to quote a few'-tumhari matahari ki maaru'(will screw your mom)',tumhari behaniya ki maaru'(screw your sister) and many other verbal expletives which would make your ears bleed.Remember seeing a khatik trying to get into an already crowded bus and before he could do so the bus moved on and he hurled a volley of expletives that forced the bus driver to stop the bus and throw him out completely:)that is our dude.
Last but not the least.Our khatik is at heart a very romantic person. He craves for a woman and remains loyal to her without proposing her till she gets married to somebody else.Eventually a new woman arrives and this cycle continues.I am going to focus on the wooing process.I had a girls college at the back of my house in Lucknow where you would always find khatiks hanging around.At every noon when the school would get over I would find khatiks swarming around like bees doing indifferent things to woo their lady love.Can't help but explain a  situation where this khatik was waving his hands,doing a round,running from tree to tree to express his love for a girl who didn't wait a second before she took off on her scootie and then the next moment one could see the khatik singing around and following her on his classical  Atlas cycle(pride of Uttar Pradesh) till she accelerated furthur and whizzed past him.Guess what-the singing continued:) Lucknow University is a place where people in UP say you can find pade-likhe khatik(educated khatiks) which to me would be people with a degree to their disposal but khatik at their mannerisms.When I passed out my intermediate examinations with dying colors and my dad did not have any hope for me save a peon's job in a government establishment:).I was asked to take up the graduation exams for Lucknow University which was abbreviated to Lucku.People termed students passing out from Lucku as luckhas due to their rough demeanor .I went to collect my form with a friend of mine who was more interested in eying a pretty girl.I was completely oblivious to these developments when we were approached by PL(pade like) Khatiks who were goons to some Lucku student leader.The PLKs told my friend-'ka be sasur ke naati,ujo kanya tum nihaarat rahe na ghanta bhar se,u sasuri to humre Gajju bhiaya ki dulhaniya hain.Ek aur baar kosis karbo to tumhare salone chehre ka chaukra bigaar deb(the girl you have been looking at since an hour is Gajju bhaiya's bride,one more glance at her and we would change the geography of your handsome face).My friend was petrified and till the time he was in Lucknow he never glanced a girl again much to the comfort of the girls:)
That is another story that Gajju bhaiya's bride as anticipated got married to someone else.So a khatik is perpetually hopeful -I am sure Mira Nair after completing 'The Reluctant Fundamentalist' might make a similar movie by the name 'The eternal optimist'.
Girls in UP complain they are being eve teased by the khatiks but I completely defend the khatiks as they are just following tradition-I mean when lord Krishna can do that with the gopis why can't khatiks.Dissecting eve teasing we would find it is simply referred to the act of assault physical,mental,verbal and psychological.A khatik just indulges in the first two.He would spare no moment to comment on girls wearing modern clothes.A girl in a short skirt is a rarity in Lucknow.Last I heard was that there was this girl in Gorakhpur who dared to bare herself in jeans and the khatiks in the entire city considered it their moral duty to eradicate the city off westernization and chased the girl out to the suburbs where she eventually changed over to ethnic clothes:) Khatiks are the protectors of our culture and they want to make sure Indian culture doesn't succumb to Western materialism.

Over the past couple of years since the liberalization wave swept India off it's feet and people understood the significance of education the khatik population is on a decline.People in UP now complain that attempts by Maneka Gandhi to conserve various flora and fauna in our ecosystem due to industrialization is a hoax as nothing has been done to conserve the falling number of khatiks in UP. The political circle needs to come out of their comfort zones and notice that a world without khatiks would actually be like a beggar without a torn underwear-of course a nude beggar would be instantly termed ashlil(obscene) by Sushma Swaraj and put behind bars but that is a different story:)I would request all educated denizes of UP who once strolled through the plains of UP to display sensitivity towards khatiks who in some way are an alien species much like the aboriginals of Australia-though Darwin missed out on them completely in his legendary book 'Origin of Species'.Let us strive to make this world a khatik colony quite similar to district 9:) Only then will happiness prevail or would it? I would leave the answer for the people to think over.